sunday thoughts
did i actually make it on time this week?!
welcome to sunday thoughts where i try to aim to get this post up on sundays that is basically just a list of the things i was thinking or doing this week
I look at everyone else’s neatly organized Substacks with content and I wonder… why do I feel so censored that I can’t write what I want to write? Maybe censored isn’t the right word, because I do also struggle with having to organize my thoughts while refilling a baby’s juice box every like, 25 minutes. Then I wonder why her poop is so watery. But also I’m unsure how a toddler can even drink so much in the span of 3 hours. That’s wild. She’s gonna have a hard time when she gets older if she keeps this habit up, for sure lol! Whatever, flush those toxins girl!
I’m constantly tempted to revamp my Substack, and honestly, I should. Maybe it’ll make it feel like a fresh place to write what I actually want to write.
the brain fog is fogging
I’ve thrown idea’s at ChatGPT of things I want to write, how I should write them, how I should structure them and to help me find the words I’m trying to say. I appreciate that Chat wants to write the whole thing for me but I just need a bullet point list. My mind tends to just wander off to Mars without one and the whole post will start about self care and suddenly I’m talking about how my kid thinks Roblox is life.
Pre kids I never had this problem, I was always able to start and finish a post. I was able to film, edit and post YouTube videos. And I constantly wonder, these parents who are content creators, how do they do it. I know bigger channels have a whole team behind them but even trying to find the time and energy to film is difficult.
Speaking of, my 7yo has started making videos on her phone. Of just random stuff. Her lip syncing, her jumping on her bed (and knocking over her phone BUT STILL GOING and not putting it back up… uhm hello?), of her and her cousins. It’s adorable. And I remember her catching me looking at my videos I posted in 2009 and her saying “YOU WERE A YOUTUBER?!” girl, YouTube was SO different when it first came out in 2009, but yes, I was a vlogger.
And beyond the fact that I never thought I’d have kids — (I love my em dashes don’t judge) — I never thought I’d have one that would be interested in creating YouTube content. I should feel like aw full circle or something and I do, but also, what in the fuck is happening lol.
texas weather is unhinged
Look, it’s always a bit unhinged but this week?! It’s been too much. Storms and tornado warnings + tornado’s then back up to 90 degree weather. Like, dude, chill out. Let us catch up before you start throwing out summer heat. Just to throw us back into another storm with a tornado warning and 50 degree weather. I can’t tell if it’s summer, spring or winter. I don’t know if I should wear fleece or shorts to bed and with night sweats, trying to figure it out is not fun.
i feel like my house being a mess is a reflection of my life being a mess
And in some ways it is true. It’s always just the little random things that pile up on your desk, on the counter. Things that don’t have a space or a home and thinking ooh this is kinda important and wanting to put it somewhere where it can be seen but feeling that way about almost everything. Then there’s the cluster mess of the wires on my desk. I’ve been meaning to switch my keyboard and mouse to a wireless one but I honestly love the sound of my keyboard, which is why I’m lagging on that. The mouse can go though because having a wired mouse is not it. Not while gaming, designing or trying to clean up your space. I feel like I need to have a small medicine shelf by my desk too but that idea is a bit absurd. Not as absurd as having to get up and go to the kitchen to get my medicine though.
I feel like a mess. My brain feels like mush. It’s the 5th month of the year and I still don’t feel like I have anything together.
i’m not sick anymore, but my body isn’t well either
It’s such a confusing thing. Not being sick but also your body is in pain due to your perimenopause, due to anemia, due to stress. I keep telling myself I’m going to meal plan things that will make me feel better and I end up just not. I did sign up for hungryroot and saw they offer meals based on your needs including peri/menopause and thought that was really cool. But I am more interested in ready made meals, as much as I miss cooking, my kitchen is a mess and it’s run by my husband so I don’t know what is even happening in there half the time.
experiencing some fomo of not having outdoor spring photos
As someone who grew up between San Francisco, San Jose and Napa Valley, I’ve always loved taking photos outdoors when the seasons change. From new seasonal eats to just what it looks like outside. And while Florida didn’t change seasons too much, I managed to do it there too. When it comes to Texas however… I’m not sure if it’s just the area I live in, the person I’m around or the state itself, but I find it harder to do so.
I love seeing everyone’s photos of picnics and flowers and whatever drink they have in their hand while they take a walk… I love it all.
But I haven’t left the house regularly since December. Not since the whole ICE shit has been happening. I’ve been too afraid to leave my house. Literally, since January I think I’ve only left the house like 3 times. That can do something to a person who doesn’t even find their home relaxing but often times a mess. Do my kids or spouse care? No. Not really. So I’m constantly struggling with stress, anxiety and paranoia.
This year has been rough and I keep telling myself I’ll do better next month but I don’t. I skipped my entire birthday because I just don’t feel comfortable leaving my house. And it’s insane. I see my in laws living their lives normally, my preferred shoppers of all different backgrounds still doing their daily jobs, meanwhile I’m sitting here too afraid to leave my home. And I don’t get it. Why am I so paranoid? I mean yes, the things happening are not okay, at all and it’s easy for someone like me to not feel safe. However, I’m a freakin US citizen, born and raised here and to make me feel like this isn’t my home is absurd. To make legal citizens who pay taxes and contribute to this countries insane unhinged spending problem is absurd. And literally the definition of ungrateful.
I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel comfortable leaving my home this year — or however long this weirdo is in office — but I’m hoping I find the courage to do so at some point because goddammit I need to go touch grass.
trying to find joy in the small things
Target released a few new Disney blind boxes and I’ve been going crazy over them. I really wish I had a real way to display them. But knowing my kids, they’ll find a way to steal my plushies, as always. These are too cute though! I only got 3 but the first one I opened was the chef one and I’m pretty happy with that. Maybe I’ll give the other 2 to my kids.
I’m such a blind box addict. It started when I worked at D-Street at Disney World and sold Vinylmations. This was in 2011, which is crazy because I remember going to Disneyland in 2009 with my then husband and he told me I couldn’t buy Vinylmations and they had just released the clear set. I ended up having to hunt down the first set and got nearly all of them except one. Working at D-Street he couldn’t really stop me from buying any, and yes he was the type to try and stop me from spending my own earned money in case he needed it later. Keep in mind — he also did not pay rent, electric, for the phone bill or for the car. He didn’t pay anything. Yet would tell me how to spend my money, ended up crashing and totalling my car while hanging out with his she’s like a sister to me friend, and made me quit my job because he couldn’t stand having to share my car.
And there goes my tangent. Sigh.
Anyway, blind boxes bring me joy. And I have too many unopened ones with the hope that I’d film unboxings until I remember I have kids who are nosy, want whatever it is before I even open the box and won’t leave me alone to film.
SIGHHHHHHHH.
That being said, I’m redoing my bedroom closet to be a filming spot again. Create when you can, where you can, how you can.
I’ve spent the last 4 hours writing this on and off while doing laundry, getting my groceries done and cleaning. I still have to get the mail and fill a sticker order before they get back, hopefully.
Please send good thoughts I write something of substance this week. And I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead!