tuesday thoughts

i'm pretty low energy today

I’m feeling very low energy today — well, all year actually.

Come sit with me, and if you’re feeling low energy today as well, I feel you.

Every morning I start the day with a Red Bull + making pancakes for the baby. Then I put on whatever she’s in the mood to watch while she eats her pancakes and drink her juice box. I’m low key jealous of how easy her life is.

I should be cleaning and starting my laundry but it’s raining and I just want to be a slug today. Today’s she’s watching True & The Wishing Tree which I typically enjoy watching but lately Grizelda is getting on my nerves. She’s such a brat. I don’t see how True and her friends just… let her. And what exactly is she the princess of?! AND WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!

How are all of you doing this month so far? I know things are a bit crazy still and there’s a lot of unknown happening — are you also in the middle of re-curating your feeds? Because really, I need more whimsy and color on mine. Living with anxiety already puts your mind at unease without extra help. The news and things lately are really not helping.

| i tried little nightmares III co-op

And if you’re not into horror games, I suggest you skip this. There environment is definitely uncomfortable. Like, unalived things hanging around and things and while it’s not like jump scare, it makes me really not want to progress into the next stage. Then again Diablo III gave me nightmares with the bodies in the walls, like why? Who had to illustrate that and literally why?

| my severe anemia triggered another physical side effect

Last year I was sick for 3 days and didn’t know why since it was probably the worst sickness I’ve ever had. My kiddo said I should go to the ER since as someone who never ever naps I was in bed for a straight 3 days and couldn’t walk or hold down any food. Ironically my husband literally thought I was lying. Right. Because being bedridden was really on my to-do list for a straight 3 days. Uh huh, tell me more. I ended up being so low on blood that I NEEDED a transfusion and there was no way around that. So another 3 days in the ER ward with various tests being done and finding 3 cysts that I still have no gotten checked up on.

This year I ended up with what is called glossitis and it is painful AS FUCK. Honestly, all of these symptoms are insane and I don’t know why they’re not more known. I mean, you don’t hear much about anemia as it is which sucks. It felt like the sides of my tongue were cut up by small glass every time I ate, drank or spoke.

I ended up taking iron every day instead of every other day and added b12 to it, that helped a lot and within a few days the main started to minimize but still took about a week to a week and a half for the pain to fully go away.

Sadly this all happened (along with getting sick) the week of my birthday so I stayed home on my birthday and sat in pain. I pushed my staycation back because there was no way I was going if I couldn’t even eat and enjoy food — like why would I do that to myself?! And while I’m sad my birthday wasn’t what I had hoped, I’m glad I can finally freakin eat.

| i’m in a gaming rut

And it’s just as bleh as a reading rut which I’m also kind of in but kind of not. I honestly should be reading more, I got approved for a handful of books I’m looking forward to… but by the time I wind down for the night and try to read, I end up falling asleep a lot faster than I intended and while I know I shouldn’t be mad at myself for falling asleep esp when I spent the last 20 years unable to sleep; I get mad that I lose time for myself.

I jumped back on FFXIV because of the new raid but I have no idea how to unlock it and I ended up just… starting a whole new character. Which I know is crazy, but I’m not very confident in healing anymore and I’m not very confident in knowing my FFXIV shit anymore.

This is how long I’ve been playing — this was the game before they revamped the whole thing. Then I got to do the beta in 2011. Let me just say that before the revamp the game was a lot harder than it is now.

Final Fantasy MMO’s will always be special to me. I spent 8 years on FFXI and I loved it so much.

| i came across some throwbacks

Pictures of things that don’t exist anymore and I love that I’ve always taken so many photos of random things. I’m glad to have these memories. I can’t find my other photos though and I’m afraid to find out if it was in the pile of my stuff that my husband decided to throw away. So now I try to back things up digitally as much as I can and on thumb drives because I don’t trust shit.

I know I brought my iPod Nano with me and I can’t fuckin find it. It pisses me off. Last I spoke to my ex husband he said he had my iPod Touch and took it when we split thinking I would have nudes on them?! Like what the fuck?! He was upset to find it was pics of my cats and favorite products. He also refused to give it back for some odd reason so all my old playlists and shit are gone for fuckin ever. I hate these people. Like why can’t people just leave my shit alone!!

Ugh I’m making myself angry.

I swear Fenton’s ice cream cures my migraines. I loved coming here when I lived in CA. I like how all of my food-in-hand photos from back then had painted nails. I guess that was a thing I did back then? I don’t even remember.

I miss going out and finding places to frequent. I don’t have my own car here in TX with me, so I’m not able to just get up and go whenever I want. Not to mention, I don’t know, I don’t feel safe doing so here? I’m not sure how to explain it. At least not so much in Dallas. I’m sure if I was somewhere else, I would. Crazy coming from someone who lived in the most ghetto place in CA but I definitely didn’t move half way across the country to be back in the ghetto either.

This post is turning into a rant and I’m so sorry. I’m also on my period, and honestly being in perimenopause and getting your period seems a bit cruel.

| i’m trying to post more meaningful posts

But my brain fog is fogging for sure. I know I’m getting over a ton of sicknesses and I should be a little more gentle with myself but I already feel like I’m so behind. On what? According to who? I don’t know. I’m always running like this though, like I’m running out of time. Which is why slowing down or resting is impossible for me.

There are so many things I want to say, want to talk about and every time I try to put my thoughts to… keyboard, I just come up blank. I’ve never had this problem when it came to writing before and I’m not exactly sure why this is happening suddenly. But I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all.

I feel like I’m complaining too much despite everyone saying be your unhinged messy self on substack. It’s crazy to see how much we hold ourselves back. Or how much we’re like I’m fine, everything is fine when it’s literally not.

I use to have zero problems being transparent about my entire life, like you couldn’t spread rumors or talk shit about me because I probably already posted or blogged about it before you could — then my in laws decided to drag me for something I didn’t even do and went on to stalk all my old blog and socials and I sort of just stopped being so transparent to the point that it’s been like 7 years and I’m still not fully transparent. Then my ex best friend blasted all my personal and sensitive information out of nowhere all over her Facebook and I just wanted to disappear.

… I think I figured out why I can’t write meaningful posts anymore.

Well, that really sucks.

Writing and blogging has been my own sort of therapy since 1999 and for people to attack the thing that makes me… me is just cruel and such an asshole thing to do. I had a faceless Medium page where I’d post things but I lost my log in info for it. Maybe I’ll remake a new one, I don’t know. I just know I want to start writing again.

I hope to be in better spirits the next time I post my thoughts ♡(˃͈ ˂͈ ).

Oh how I miss those alt+numbers symbols lol. The days before emoji’s!

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead!